An Open Letter To The Parents Of About-To-Be Middle Schoolers
Dear Fellow Parents:
Hi. My name is Sarah. I’m the mom of an about-to-be Middle Schooler and I have a favor to ask:
If your kid is heading to Middle School in the fall, please don’t buy them an iPhone.
I know. Trust me, I KNOW. You’re feeling the pressure. And they’re expecting it for graduation.
But, before you hit purchase, hear me out.
Smartphones are incredibly distracting. Have you ever struggled to resist the pull of notifications or compulsively checked your email? Imagine how much harder it is for a kid who has less developed impulse control to resist. The younger we introduce distractions like smartphones, the harder it is for our kids to maintain healthy relationships with them.
Smartphones inhibit IRL social interactions. Have you ever seen a group of tweens sitting together staring at their phones not talking to each other? This breaks my heart and I don’t want to perpetuate it. Being a tween is awkward. Smartphones can make it easy to avoid social awkwardness. But, they also rob kids of this time in their lives where they can figure out social interactions. When it’s too easy to avoid awkwardness diving into a phone, it can make IRL friendships harder to start and harder to maintain.
Smartphones aren’t really necessary in Middle School. Almost anything a child needs or wants to look up or play or watch, they can do when they are home. They don’t need access to entertainment or information on-demand 24-7. Also, kids do not need smartphones to stay in touch with parents and friends. There are significantly safer, less distracting devices that allow for healthy communication without all the extras.
iPhones can be dangerous. Apple parental controls are not very good. Actually, sorry, they are terrible. There are significant issues with text messaging, the app store and app time limits. There are also a TON of hacks kids use to get around parental controls to get the internet, pull down apps they aren’t supposed to have and even text in secret. It’s a game of whack-a-mole that parents almost never win.
Giving your Almost Middle Schooler an iPhone makes it harder for the other parents. When you say yes to an iPhone at the beginning of Middle School, you make it harder for the other parents in your community to keep saying no. And no you aren’t responsible for other people but your decision does impact the parents you interact with you every day. Every kid with an age-appropriate device paves the way for more of the same. To create the change we want sometimes we have to go first. And trust me, even though your kid will be disappointed, you will sleep better at night knowing that you are giving them more time to be a kid and more time for their brain and social skills to grow.
You really can make a different choice!
There really are very good non-iPhone options out there. Two that I recommend are the Pinwheel Phone and the Bark Phone. Both of these allow you to stay in touch with your child while also effectively managing texting, social media, internet and app store. There are other phones in the category like Gabb and Troomi. They are all great options.
I understand the pull of the iPhone especially if that’s what you’re used to using. Parent managed phones take a minute to set up, but in the long run they are way easier to manage than iPhones.
I understand that you don’t want to buy another service contract. The Pinwheel is unlocked meaning you can add it to your existing plan on whatever provider you use.
I understand you don’t want to snoop. The Bark phone is an alert system that notifies you when something is concerning rather than giving you access to all the messages.
I also understand that the social pressure your child is facing is really real. But is that social pressure more important than health and safety?
Families need to do what’s right for them. I am not here to judge. If your kid is friends with one of mine and they have an iPhone– it’s all good. We’re good. We’re all trying to do our best here.
But, if you were maybe on the fence about what to do for Middle School– choose an alternative! I promise your kid won’t be alone. There are a lot of us here holding out– more every day, in fact.
I really hope you’ll consider joining us. We’d love to have you!
Sincerely,
Sarah Trombley
PS— If you’re wondering what I give my kids— they get the Pinwheel phone when they start Middle School. It’s super boring and – and honestly– that’s the point. It’s a utility not a toy. They can get in touch with us and their friends, check the weather and play Wordle. As a result they don’t spend alot of time on them.
